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Holding My Own Book in My Hands
And sleeping with it like a baby.
Did I cry when I opened the box of books that roughly represents the past decade of my life? Not right away. My boyfriend dutifully held the camera, knowing I needed a video. It is neither my instinct nor my desire to document these moments visually. I hate looking at myself on camera, I hate the performance inherent in being filmed, and I extra hate feeling like I need to look acceptably attractive or whatever. But writers, especially debut authors with no name for themselves, are expected to produce “content.” And a video of an author opening her box of final copies is classic writer content.
Ok, so I was going to make a video!
I’ve always wondered, watching these videos from other authors — videos meant to appear spontaneous and off-the-cuff (the books are here!) — if they put on a special outfit and makeup in order to make them, or if people actually, like, wear jeans on an average day at home. Looking at the unopened box — my box, my hard work, my heart and soul manifested into a very heavy cardboard block — I decided I would not let concerns about “content” ruin this for me. I did not put on makeup or change my shirt or put extra product in my hair (though I did throw it up, this felt necessary), then I herded my family into my tiny office, and I opened my box. It only took a quick glance to know there was no world in which I would ever post that video — the angles were all wrong, the lighting was monstrous, I’m awkwardly battling w the box half the time — and that’s a-OK. It feels too personal to post and subsequently get objectified into likes. But, I’m glad I have it, and I can at least offer the still, above, in which I’m glowing at Ben, not the camera, which for some reason is being held at his waist, so while the angles might be terrible, it captures a genuine shared moment, not a pose.
The books are beautiful. They are smooth. The are bursting with color and detail. And they are real. Ben, Charlie, and my mom circled around me, staring on excited and curious, and taking one into my hands felt like welcoming a new member to the family. She’s here! She’s gorgeous! Welcome to the world, we’ve all been waiting.
